


Freedom, Loss, and Waiting

by FleetofShippyShips



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Era, Canonical Character Death, Episode Related, Jealousy, M/M, Magic Revealed, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-28 07:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11412708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleetofShippyShips/pseuds/FleetofShippyShips
Summary: Merlin tried not to hope Arthur would follow him to Ealdor, but Arthur was completely unable to do anything else. Over the short time they are in Ealdor, Merlin is forced to face harsh truths about his situation, and all he is willing to do, or let be done, to protect Arthur, and their destiny.The closeness between Merlin and Will hurts Arthur more than he could have anticipated, and finding out the reasons for that closeness, only more so. He soon learns that Merlin is hiding far more than he had ever expected, and feels the distance between them only grow, when all he wants is for it to lessen.(Episode fic for 1x10 'The Moment of Truth')





	Freedom, Loss, and Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Kill Will Fest](http://killwill-fest.livejournal.com/) on LJ
> 
> Beta'd by [ylime94](http://ylime94.tumblr.com).

Arthur only lasted a couple of hours after Merlin left, before he donned his armour, and went after him. The shaky fear inside him was impossible to ignore. Merlin could die in Ealdor, and he couldn’t allow it. More so, he could not allow Merlin to doubt for one second that he cared. 

For all Arthur’s words of duty, and Merlin’s apparent understanding of the situation, it felt wrong.

Even in the short time they’d known one another, Merlin had always been there for him, even when it put him in danger. Arthur could not let him down when his mother was in danger. 

Neither could he stand the idea of Merlin getting himself hurt because of his stupid bravery. It was a miracle the idiot hadn’t gotten himself killed already, but any day might bring an end to that luck. He couldn’t stand the idea of it happening when he wasn’t there to try and stop it.

 

* * *

Merlin’s heart seemed to leap to his throat when he turned around and saw Arthur behind him. More so than when he’d felt the tip of a blade against his back. More so than the idea of unknown assailants creeping up on their camp in the dark.

Arthur had come. For all that it was against Uther’s wishes, and dangerous, and not worth all the trouble it would cause, he had come.

Arthur’s words about how silly he looked with a sword didn’t touch him. He couldn’t stop grinning. Even as they sat by the fire, he could hardly speak. That Arthur would risk so much, for his village. He knew Arthur was a better man than everyone else believed, but the proof always took his breath away.

 

* * *

The fight was exhilarating, but when they drove the men away from Ealdor upon arrival, Arthur looked for Merlin. The fear shivered through him, that inescapable fear that Merlin had fallen when he wasn’t watching.

Seeing him brought instant relief, and he left himself relax at last. He finally felt the fatigue weighing him down, now that he wouldn’t need to spring into action again. Merlin looked unharmed. In fact, he looked happy. Talking to a young man about his age, leaning close, grinning wide, still touching his shoulder after a fierce hug.

Arthur tensed again. For a long time, he had thought Merlin was free and open with his words and affection, but then he’d observed him with Gwen, and then, even more so, with Gaius. It was the same with this young man. There was an openness and warmth to Merlin that made Arthur’s stomach twist.

Merlin never looked at him that way.

 

* * *

Seeing Will again was like relaxing at the end of the day. Someone who knew his secret. He was both relieved and relaxed, while also reminded of all the hard times and pain. The security of knowing Will would never tell, after seeing him use magic in the fight, only reminded him how few people there were that knew. 

It was so easy to pull him close and hold him tight. And Will held him back just as tightly, as if Merlin had never left without saying goodbye.

Merlin didn’t want to let him go. He wanted to move the air around them. He wanted to make grass spring from the dirt at their feet. He wanted to let his magic loose. He wanted to feel free.

But they weren’t alone, and he still had to keep that secret.

But for a moment, in Will’s arms, he felt at peace.

 

* * *

Arthur wanted to use harsher words in his response when questioned. He wanted to shut that man up. Will. His name was Will, and he was looking at Arthur like he was scum. 

Reining in his anger, Arthur tried to treat him well. And he forced himself not to look at Merlin.

But Will’s words were clear. Arthur wasn’t welcome in Ealdor. 

It was the first time Arthur had felt unwelcome in a place Merlin was.

The feeling hit him low in his stomach. It made his shoulders feel heavy. That hurt so much more than he could have anticipated.

When Will stormed away, and Hunith started speaking, Arthur struggled to focus on her. All he wanted to do was watch Merlin follow Will, and follow them both.

 

* * *

Will’s anger hurt, but Merlin knew he deserved it. He knew it was not really about Arthur, it was about the way he had left without saying a proper goodbye. They had been so close, and Merlin had left as if it was nothing. But if he’d gone to say goodbye, he wasn’t sure he would have been able to leave.

Will’s words were like knives, cutting away at him. As much as Merlin liked to believe otherwise, and tell himself otherwise, Will was right.

He did not trust Arthur with his secret, he was just a servant. In the end, Arthur would always see him that way, no matter how he acted, and no matter how he might care for him. No matter how often Merlin tried to convince himself otherwise.

He was still just a servant, and he always would be.

Will’s expression gave away how clear his pain was. He reached out for him, but Merlin pulled away.

 

* * *

Arthur had always known that Merlin had come from a hard life. He had always known that peasants never had it easy. But sleeping on the floor beside him...it made it so much clearer. Perhaps it even explained how he was so close to Will, and not to Arthur. Hard times bred close bonds. He knew that well from training, and from fighting alongside the knights. His rank created distance, but even with that, he was close to many of them.

In the quiet of the room, he couldn’t help but speak, and ask questions. He wanted to know more. Coming to Ealdor only made him realise how little he actually knew about Merlin. And Merlin answered so freely.

But now that Arthur had seen him with Will, he wondered just how free those words really were. If there was more to Merlin that he didn’t get to see, that Merlin wouldn’t show him.

When he asked why Merlin had left, there was pain in Merlin’s voice as he answered. His answer was a clear evasion. More that Arthur wasn’t allowed to know. Perhaps wasn’t trusted to know. 

Something had happened. 

His words were too hard to believe. He couldn’t imagine how Merlin didn’t fit in. Aside from the obvious reasons, too gangly and uncoordinated for hard labour. But everyone loved Merlin. It was impossible not to. He was incredibly irritating at times, and a complete idiot, but it had so quickly become endearing. And it hadn’t even taken all that long for Arthur to admit that to himself.

But why did Merlin leave if he was so close with Will? Why go to Camelot when he didn’t know anyone, or possibly only Gaius?

What parts of Merlin didn’t he know?

In the quiet darkness of that room, he could ignore it no longer. He wanted to know all of him. It was like a hunger within him. One he wasn’t sure would ever be satisfied.

 

* * *

Will’s words were foremost in Merlin’s mind as Arthur spoke to him that night. He was just a servant, and it seemed Arthur was finally seeing that for what it meant. That he’d grown up on a hard floor, in hard times. It was just a trip for Arthur, and even though it meant so much to Merlin that he’d come, he almost wished he hadn’t now.

Because Ealdor was his home, but he’d never really belonged there either. And he didn’t want Arthur seeing that.

Arthur’s questions about why he’d left made his chest ache. 

No longer safe, he’d had to leave without even proper goodbyes. His mother’s fear was too great, and he’d found himself swept up in it. Not because he’d believed Will would tell, but because he’d been so free with Will, and sometimes it had frightened him.

Will had loved his magic, and Merlin had loved to share it with him.

But even then, even before meeting Arthur and Kilgharrah, he had known. He had known his magic was meant for more than tricks with Will, or for Will. It had weighed him down. It was a quiver in his belly whenever he used his magic. It was a niggling sensation in his mind whenever he was with Will. That there was somewhere else he was meant to be, some other reason to be using his magic.

Now he knew; it was meant for Arthur.

 

* * *

It seemed there was no escaping Will. It was like he was Merlin’s shadow. Arthur sent Merlin for wood, and watched as Will appeared from nowhere, and followed him. Even though Arthur tried to pay attention to the men gathering by him, he couldn’t stop from glancing over to the treeline.

They were sitting next to each other, so close their sides were brushing. Their heads leaned together. Will looked sad as he spoke, and Merlin looked awkward and upset as well.

Arthur itched to get closer and hear what they were saying, to know this painful part of Merlin. If he knew, then perhaps he could help. Merlin did so much for him, to make his life easier. As much as he joked that Merlin was useless, he didn’t really believe it. 

All he wanted was to do the same, to give something back. Away from the castle, and the strict divide of their stations, it was the perfect time.

But Merlin was always with Will.

Clenching his fists, Arthur turned back to the men gathering around him. He couldn't look at the two of them together any longer.

 

* * *

Merlin had been in Camelot too long. Will’s first words about his magic frightened him, even away by the treeline, out of earshot. It had become instinctual, in a way it had never been in Ealdor. To hide. To fear. Will could see it. And Merlin could see the battle between concern and pain.

They still hadn’t talked about the way he’d left.

Sitting beside him, their sides brushed and pressed. Unthinking, they leaned together. Even discussing the past, the ease of being with Will made Merlin ache.

But then they were talking of Arthur again.

There was something about that…it made him uneasy, restless. While he knew, really knew, he was just a servant, there was more to it than that. He knew they were tied together in destiny. He knew that even if Arthur saw him as a lowly peasant, some part of him saw that bond, even if he didn’t know it.

It showed every time Arthur risked his life for him.

Choosing between keeping his magic a secret for Arthur’s sake, for their destiny, or revealing it for Ealdor made him shake. It made him want to cry out. Because it wasn’t fair. To be made to choose between his past, and his destiny.

Because he didn’t like the choice he knew he’d make.

And Will knew him too well, and stepped closer. He was still angry, but he was a good friend. 

Merlin leaned into his hand when it cradled his jaw. They were still within sight of the village, but he couldn’t stop himself. He had missed being so free with another.

 

* * *

The death of Matthew only made everything worse. Will’s words cut Arthur deep. Being responsible for a loss of life was a burden he was never able to accept. Regret made his stomach twist. Will was right. They stood no chance. The best they could do was die fighting. For Arthur, that was enough. But these peasants weren’t soldiers. They weren’t knights.

He’d followed Merlin with high hopes. He’d wanted to help him, to protect his home, and thus, protect him.

The truth of the situation hurt, and all he wanted to do was talk to Merlin about it.

But Merlin had followed Will when he’d stormed off. 

Arthur ached to follow him, to find out what it was that bound them together so closely, but the villagers were slow to disperse.

Finally, he crept to the back of the building, and peered through a large crack in the wall. If they cared to look, they would see him. But they were too focused on each other.

Will’s last loud words, that Arthur heard the end of, didn’t make sense. He’d missed too much, but he wanted to burst in and demand to know their meaning. Because Merlin looked crushed. As if someone had stolen the light from him.

“It’s not that simple,” Merlin said quietly. 

Will cupped his face. “It never is with you. And when things get hard, when you become threatened, you abandon them.”

Rage made Arthur’s hands shake, because no one could say that of Merlin and actually believe it. He’d seen Merlin do nothing but run towards danger. 

“I didn’t abandon you.”

“I never would have told.”

Arthur’s brow furrowed, and his stomach twisted. Their words held meaning he didn’t understand. But the way they stood so close, the way Merlin’s hands held Will’s back, the way Will pressed their foreheads together...that said more than words. And that made his jaw clench.

“I had to go,” Merlin said, so softly Arthur almost couldn’t hear him. “I couldn’t stay here. It wasn’t safe.”

“Every moment you stay in Camelot you risk your life, and you call here unsafe?”

Arthur wanted to burst in and demand an explanation. Nothing was making sense. Nothing but the way they held each other, the pull between them. He’d seen that before, between men. He never would have imagined Merlin was so inclined. He’d never have dared hope.

“You don’t understand.” Merlin’s voice was pained, and Arthur wanted to make that pain stop, but he didn’t even know the cause. Even pained, Merlin was leaning into Will as if he was the cure for all his ills.

“Arthur will kill you when he finds out.”

Merlin pulled away from Will, making a sound as if he’d been struck. A chill swept over Arthur, and he wanted nothing more than to run his sword through Will for even daring to think such a thing. To say it to Merlin? Arthur wanted to kill him twice over.

Lost in his anger and confusion, he didn’t notice when Merlin left, but when he focused again, Will was alone. It took all of Arthur’s training to walk away, and not give in to his rage.

 

* * *

Every part of Merlin ached to be with Will again, his magic most of all. But every word Will was saying to him hurt. More so because it was all true. He could save the village. He was choosing to protect himself, and his destiny, above the lives of innocent people.

Part of him even wondered if perhaps he was doing it more for Arthur himself than anyone else. How he felt about Arthur changed rapidly. Believing the prince cared for him, and then reminding himself that no, he was just a servant to him. He was in a constant state of turmoil.

Still, it didn’t stop how much he cared. His destiny had stopped feeling as though it was a chore a while ago. It was who he was now, and he accepted that.

In many ways, he was beginning to feel for Arthur as he had come to feel for Will. Only, he was free with Will. Not just in that his feelings were returned, but because he was free to truly be himself. Will saw him for who he was, and he had accepted it, delighted in it even.

Arthur might like him on some level, but he didn’t truly know him.

He didn’t know if Arthur really would kill him for his magic. He wanted to believe that he wouldn’t, but he could never truly know. Not without placing himself in danger.

But even in his uncertainty and pain, he sought Arthur out. Because that had become his life now, being with Arthur, listening to Arthur, protecting Arthur.

His destiny was his life now.

He listened to Arthur’s words, and saw that he had lost all hope in their fight since his confrontation with Will earlier, since Matthew's death, and it made his chest ache.

Arthur was always so sure of himself. He hardly ever allowed anyone to see that side of him. Doubt. Fear. Weakness.

And then, as he talked to him, tried to cheer him, he saw Arthur’s determination return.

It was breath-taking, and warming, to see the effect his words could have on Arthur.

It filled him with hope and warmth. Enough to carry him for a while. Like always.

If only it didn’t always fade so fast, every time he wished to use magic, and couldn’t.

 

* * *

The night before the battle, Merlin slipped away. Arthur knew where he was going, and couldn’t help but follow. Merlin had been acting so strangely, so downcast. As if a great weight was upon his shoulders. Arthur ached to know. If he knew, then perhaps he could help ease it. 

Merlin would never ask for help. Not if, for some reason, he feared that Arthur may harm him.

It hurt so much, that Merlin feared that. Arthur could not imagine causing Merlin harm. The idea made him sick and angry.

It also disturbed him, how quickly he had come to care for him. But it was too obvious to ignore or deny. Not when he had defied his father to follow him to Ealdor. He would face punishment for that, when he returned, but as long as Merlin was safe, and his mother was safe, then that would make it all worth it. Even if Ealdor fell, he just had to save Merlin and Hunith. As much as he wanted to save the whole village, protecting Merlin was more important. He wasn’t sure he liked that about himself, but it was a truth that was impossible to ignore.

Merlin was easy to follow into the woods, to a clearing lit by moonlight, and it was easy to conceal himself. Merlin always was terrible at observing his surroundings. Will showed up soon after, and Arthur felt both guilty and eager. It wasn’t his place, he knew, and yet, he had to know. He had to know what Merlin was keeping from him, and why he was so afraid. Why he could not be open with him, as he was open with Will.

“Will you really refuse to fight tomorrow?” Merlin asked.

Arthur peered through the bush he was hiding behind. Merlin looked sad, tense, and Will even more so.

“Will you really let everyone die when you could save them all with barely any effort?” Will returned.

Arthur frowned. How could Merlin save them all? Merlin could barely fight.

“It’s not an easy decision to make,” Merlin said, making an angry gesture and pacing for a moment. “You know it isn’t.”

“It should be,” Will said, and his tone had changed. He was looking warmer, gentler. He stepped closer to Merlin, and brushed a thumb under his left eye. “You should be free to be who you are. You should not be forced to choose.”

Merlin closed his eyes, and made a weak sound. “You made me feel so free. I never wanted to leave.”

Arthur’s breath caught in his throat. This was it. They were going to speak of the thing that made Merlin so free and open with Will, and so closed to Arthur.

“We’re alone now,” Will said. “Be free. Let go.”

Merlin sobbed again, and then he was opening his eyes, and they were gold.

Arthur’s stomach twisted, as Merlin held his hands between his and Will’s body, and then the clearing was lit by more than just the moon. A pale blue glow spilled from between their bodies, and then rose. A hovering sphere of white-blue light floated above them, and Arthur felt like he couldn’t breathe. He’s seen magic like that before.

Merlin had magic.

Turning his gaze from the light, to Merlin, he saw his eyes were still glowing gold, and the wind picked up around them, but it was warm, not cold. Trees and bushes rustled, and the grass seemed to grow about their feet. 

It was terrifying. It was magic. Merlin had magic.

But it made so much sense. Everything, looking back, suddenly made so much sense. He should have seen it.

Feeling torn between fear and awe, a feeling he had not thought he’d feel towards magic, he looked more closely.

Merlin looked completely relaxed. More than that, he looked peaceful. Arthur had never seen him that way.

Moments later, Will was kissing him, and Merlin was returning that kiss with a fervour Arthur would never have expected from him. 

He felt cold, and angry. He felt guilty, his stomach churning.

Without looking back, he crept away again.

 

* * *

Releasing his magic felt like he was releasing a heavy weight from his shoulders, and filling himself with air. He felt light, and free. 

Will wore the same expression he always had when he had watched Merlin use his magic. Awe, respect, love. Even after the way they’d been fighting since Merlin had arrived in Ealdor. It was so easy to kiss back, and lose himself in his body for the night. They would fight tomorrow, and he didn’t know what was going to happen. 

And he had so missed being able to truly be with someone, to be himself.

 

* * *

Maybe it was because of Will that Merlin finally chose to risk exposure, and use his magic. To save Ealdor. 

But then everything went so horribly wrong. Arthur was looking angry. He was looking at Merlin like he already knew it was him, and Merlin froze. How could he tell him? What would happen? Was Will right? Would Arthur kill him for it?

His eyes dropped to Arthur’s sword. His grip on it was tight. He was ready to use it again. It made Merlin’s hands shake. But what choice did he have? He couldn’t lie his way out of it this time. Arthur had seen too much.

Opening his mouth, he started to tell him, but then in a flurry of movement, Will was shot, and dying, and Merlin could barely breathe.

Moments after they got him inside, he was covering for Merlin. The words made Merlin’s stomach drop.

Worse than the fear of what Arthur might do, even though Will was obviously dying, was the disgusting moment of relief Merlin felt. His secret was still safe. But at what cost?

Will should never have covered for him. 

“Merlin, I’m...I’m scared.”

Merlin leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. “Don’t be, I’m here.”

His own words were barely legible through his tears. He was glad they were alone. Pressing one hand to Will’s face, he whispered words against his lips, before kissing him. Will relaxed as warmth rushed through him, soothing him. 

He met Merlin’s eyes, and smiled. “Always thought that gold looked good on you,” he said softly, his voice no longer full of fear and pain.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered, wishing he could stop crying.

Will shook his head slightly. “Merlin…”

His next words didn’t come, and Merlin closed his eyes with a sob.

* * *

When Merlin went outside some time later, Arthur touched his shoulder so gently it made Merlin want to hit him. If he had been free to use his magic, then that never would have happened. None of it ever would have happened.

Using his magic had saved lives, so he couldn't regret it. But losing Will, and worse, having Will claim responsibility for his magic? It broke something inside of him.

 

* * *

Arthur knew it was Merlin. He just wanted him to admit it. He wanted Merlin to tell him, to trust him. He shouldn’t have yelled. He shouldn’t have become so angry. But he was angry. Because Merlin was everything he was supposed to hate, and he just couldn’t hate him. 

He shouldn't know about his magic, to have that knowledge made public was dangerous for them both, but he just wanted Merlin to tell him.

But just as Merlin started to speak, Will was moving, and it was all over. He gave his life for Arthur, and then he saved Merlin too, with his dying breath. In front of people. Arthur would never be able to argue it, he’d look so unreasonable.

And Merlin wasn’t the same. To push him now...

All the way back to Camelot, Arthur couldn’t stop watching him. It was like he was dead inside.

 

* * *

Merlin knew Arthur was getting tired of his low mood after returning to Camelot. He had always known Arthur enjoyed the teasing, and the banter between them. But it was so hard now.

Will was dead, and Arthur still hated magic. Merlin had, for a brief moment, been free again, with Will, but now, once again, he was caged.

His jokes fell flat. Gaius was constantly asking if he was okay. Gwen was looking concerned.

Arthur never stopped watching him.

Which only made everything worse. He could barely use magic at all. If Arthur caught him now, after what had happened with Will...when he’d had the chance to confess, and had let Will take the blame…

Merlin didn’t know what to do anymore. So he tried to act normal, and was more careful with his magic.

He still protected Arthur. He would never stop protecting Arthur, even if it hurt him. Beneath that sense of duty was so much more, even though it was tangled up in resentment over having to hide, over losing Will.

His destiny, Arthur, would always come first, with everything. He wasn’t sure that would ever stop being something he struggled with, even though he knew it to be the truth.

 

* * *

Arthur could never catch him at it. All the times Merlin must have used magic around him, and now that Arthur finally knew, he never seemed to catch him.

It defied belief. 

He wanted Merlin to tell him, to trust him, but he’d take accidental exposure if he could.

In the months that followed Ealdor, Merlin saved his life more times than he’d like to admit.

He stopped being so angry about the fact Merlin had magic, because it was so obvious that he was no threat to him, even though he hadn’t really feared that anyway. In those first weeks, he’d only told himself that to try and make it all easier to bear. He’d been raised to hate magic, and now all he wanted was to see Merlin use it again. Too see him look as free as he had in that clearing.

Merlin could have made his life easier with his magic, or killed Uther and freed himself. Instead, he saved Arthur, and still stayed as his servant.

It only made Arthur love him more. And he did love him, it was so obvious now. But he could do nothing about it, and Merlin gave no real indication he felt anything back. It only made Arthur ache all the more for Merlin to share his secret. To trust him. 

Sometimes he wished he had never followed Merlin to that clearing in that fit of jealousy.

Knowing, and loving him anyway, was harder than falling in love and not knowing the truth.

So he waited.

It was inevitable that Merlin’s magic would be revealed, given how unobservant and clumsy he could be. He was determined to show Merlin how accepting he was, and how much he would care for him anyway. That his knowing would be a good thing, and not all the things Merlin was obviously fearing.

And so he waited.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all liked it, this is my first time participating in a fest of any kind =)


End file.
